Well, I ain’t no doctor, but I lend a hand
In a little clinic, in a small-town land
They call me up when they’re short on staff
I’m the volunteer, always half-mast
I hand out gowns, I sanitize the tools
Distract with small talk, applying the lube
I’m the friendly face when they walk through the door
I may not be the doc, but your menstrual mentor
I’m a volunteer in the clinic doin’ what I can
Helpin’ out the doc for your mom and your gran
From the speculum shine to the glove parade
I’m an unsung hero but I don’t get paid
Now the ladies walk in, and they’re feelin’ exposed
But I lighten the mood with a joke I’ve composed
I say, “don’t you worry, it’s all routine
Just think of me as your pap smear machine”
I’ve seen more stirrups than a saddle shop
And I’ve learned to smile when the small talk flops
Just me and the doc and our surgical toys
We all started a band called The Yeastie Boys
I’m a volunteer in the clinic doin’ what I can
Helpin’ out the doc for your mom and your gran
From the speculum shine to the glove parade
I’m an unsung hero but I don’t get paid
Now some folks ask me, “why do you stay?
Ain’t no fame, no spotlight, no pay”
I just wink and say, “I’m the lubricator
Help out the ladies, keep something for later”
I’m a volunteer in the clinic doin’ what I can
Helpin’ out the doc for your mom and your gran
From the speculum shine to the glove parade
I’m an unsung hero but I don’t get paid
It’s glove love time and a little bit more
I’m the backstage hero at the pelvic encore
From the pap smear shuffle to the ultrasound spin
I’m the volunteer, always wipin’ his chin
After glove love time you will be a bit sore
And a little bit hard to walk out the door
I may not be the doc, but I play a small part
With a whole lotta glove and a whole lotta heart
I may not have a degree, but I’ve got the knack
For keepin’ things smooth when you’re on your back